Oh My, My!

It doesn't matter what you do,
I still love you!

Those are the words that I had to keep telling myself and Christian yesterday. He certainly tested me with all that I had.

I should have known a year ago that he was going to be a hand full. Full of independence, full of on the go, full of exploring, full of doing it my way when I want to do it.

I was put on bed rest a year ago because I had low amniotic fluid. During that time I had to go two times a week and have a biophysical profile done (an ultrasound). A biophysical profile (BPP) is a test that measures the health of the baby (fetus) during pregnancy. A BPP test includes a nonstress test with electronic fetal heart monitoring and a fetal ultrasound. The BPP measures the baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and the amount of amniotic fluid around the baby. Well, Christian was always stubborn, hard-headed, and uncooperative during these visits.

Yesterday, he was once again stubborn, hard-headed, and uncooperative during my eye exam. He was ready to go, I was ready to go, and I am sure everyone in the office was ready for us to go. Oh, my my when we left, I left with a broken pride and in tears.

Why you ask? Oh let me share...

It all started great. He was laughing at me, the other patients, the nurses, and the doctors. It was all good, right?!? WRONG! Once they put us back in the eye exam room it all went down hill from there. First, he wanted to get out of his stroller (understandable for a toddler on the go). Second, he would scream to the top of his lungs when the nurse would put the "owl" looking machine over my face (understandable for a toddler who is going through separation anxiety). Third, he wanted to get down and play with another little boy when they put us in the room to wait for my eyes to dilate (once again understandable for a toddler on the go). Fourth, he was hungry (understandable for a toddler who wants his milk and we have been there for 1 and a half hours). Fifth, he is throwing things on the ground, screaming, and crying because he is ready to go (understandable for a toddler who has been at the doctors office for 2 and a half hours). Should I go on?!? Should I say or tell you that he was testing my nerves even though I know it is all understandable? Should I tell you that I was raising my voice at him because he was testing my nerves even though I know it is all understandable?

Meanwhile, the doctor finally comes in around 5:15 to check my eyes. His nurse follows him in and asks if I would like her to watch my son while I am getting my eyes checked "It might make it go smoother." UMMMMM, I guess so.

What?!? What just happened?

Right then is when the tears started to come but, of course, because it was an EYE exam I had to hold them back. Wait Donna, wait until you walk out the door. So, 10minutes later, I made a vow to myself I was never going to walk back into that doctor's office again. I immediately called my mom and told her that I felt like they thought I was a bad mother. They must have heard me raise my voice at him. They must have heard him screaming and crying. They must have thought the worst...I just knew.

My mother reassured me that everyone gets frustrated with little ones and if they tell you they don't then they are lying. It does not make me a bad mother because I need to take two minutes and take a breather. Nor, does it make me a bad mother because my little monkey tests me to the limit. My mom always knows what to say at the right time.

So, yes my little monkey tested me to the limit. Yes, my little monkey was taking me to my whit's end. Yes, my little monkey had me in tears. However, my little monkey is my little monkey. He is my little man, the love of my life, the light in my eye, the twinkle in my toes, the beats in my heart.

No matter what he does
I will still LOVE him!